"I love you God, and I worship you", "I need you and I'm desperate for you Lord", I would say. One hearing me say those things, might think "Wow, she really loves the Lord"!, but they just didn't know the emptiness behind those words and that love was the furthest thing I was displaying before the Lord. I wanted to and knew I should have been spending time with God, praying, and reading the Word. I would always feel God tugging on my heart, beckoning me to come away with him, but I just wouldn't do it. I would say I'm gonna do it later, but later would never come. I'd instead get busy with doing other meaningless things, such as watching my favorite t.v. shows, browsing various social media sites, finding something to eat/snack on when I wasn't hungry(naturally that is), etc.. I'd be too tired, too busy, or reason I can't do it because the kids are awake or will wake up, and will be a distraction. All Excuses. When I did make an attempt at spending time with God, the enemy would fill my head with guilt and condemnation, saying "You're not praying right", "You sound pitiful, knowing you haven't been praying/reading your Word all this time", "You ain't gonna be able to understand the Word, when you're so out of tune with God", "He doesn't love you, and will reject you because you ignored him before", and more LIES, LIES, and LIES.
To make myself feel less guilty and more like a "good Christian", I would watch preaching/teaching of the Word on YouTube, listen to praise and worship songs, and read great spiritual articles on various Christian blogs. I would buy and read books on Christian Living and try to live vicariously through others who had a true relationship with the Lord. I'd feel good at the moment, like I was really connected to God and had a true relationship with him, which was nothing but a fantasy. At the end of the day I would feel like a glass half empty, and spiritually parched and starving. I was settling for a "quick fix", and not a steady faith. It came to the point where the Lord totally began to wreck my heart! All I thought I knew I began to question, what I was confident in I doubted, and what I thought use to satisfy me, no longer was my delight. I prayed and sought him, asking "What is wrong with me"?, "I really do love you Lord and desire you, but why am I not spending time with you as I should"? I was at the place where I was fed up with the crumbs I had been snacking on here and there, and day in and day out still not fulfilled. I cried out to the Lord, "God, I need you more than anything"!, "I desire to have a true relationship with you, and I'm desperate for you". I said "God, there has got to be more than this", "I want more of you and to be like you, and this time I won't stop at anything until I obtain just that". While searching the Internet on this subject, I came across a article on a blog that was talking about how we make things as idols and "gods". The Lord then led me to the scripture in Matthew 6:21 "For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also".
The answer to my question "Why am I not spending time with the Lord"?, became clear as day to me. I didn't really desire to spend time with him, cultivate a true relationship with him, because he was not where my treasure was, therefore my heart's desire wasn't after him. That word treasure means, something you value, spend your energies in, and deem most precious and top priority. I then began to allow the light of his Word to search me and I asked myself "What is it that I am spending my energy/time in the most, that I value more than God"? After doing a #heartcheck, I looked up and found my eyes staring at my treasures, the t.v., my computer, and cell phone. That was it, entertainment! I spent most of the day everyday, either surfing the t.v. channels, on my phone scrolling through my timeline on various social media sites, or aimlessly surfing the web. I had made those sources of entertainment my "god", my treasure, my top priority. I then confessed my sin, repented, and made the decision to make spending time with God my top priority. I cannot tell you how much pure bliss I have been experiencing, every since I became intentional and committed to spending time with God everyday (Which was a few weeks ago, and yes honey I don't mind being transparent and putting myself on blast!)
Everyday gets sweeter and sweeter, and he shows me himself more and more! It is true that if you ask you shall receive, seek you shall find, and knock the door shall be opened unto you! If you draw near unto him, he will draw near unto you, but you have to come to him. He will not force himself on you. He will lovingly call out to you, and invite you to dine with him. It's ultimately up to you to accept his invitation or stand him up. I encourage you not to choose the latter. My sisters, if you can relate to my testimony I encourage you to do a #heartcheck, and find out what are you treasuring more than sweet fellowship with God. Once you do, confess and repent of it, and pursue spending time with God everyday!
I love you all, but God loves you so much more!
Your Sister~Jassmine~A Dear Daughter of The King!